Foul Ball

My 2017 Year in Filmmaking

     I meant to do this a while ago, but as always I couldn’t make myself sit down and write. However, there is no better motivation than it being the last day of the year to make me sit down and write about having my first film that was all “my own” be in a film festival this year.

     As some of you may know, I had the honor and privilege of having one of my short films be selected to be shown at the 2017 Indie Memphis Film Festival in November. I had also submitted some of my films to other festivals and competitions, but none of them were chosen, so I didn’t have too much hope that this festival would be any different.

     In case you haven't noticed, I love movies: everything about them. I know it’s crazy and unrealistic, and I should pick a particular area, but I want to do it all. There’s a crazy part of me that wants to write, and direct, and edit, and yes, I even still want to act. Now if I'm being honest, this year has been a difficult one for me. However, not all of this year has been low parts. I have had some wonderful freelance opportunities and have worked with some amazing people. Having the opportunity to edit videos for the Tennessee Arts Commission was definitely one of the highlights of my year. I love editing, and getting to edit videos for the Tennessee Arts Commission was amazing. I learned so much about some amazing people from my home state. I tell everyone that I want to be an editor, and while that is not inaccurate, there is always a part of me that wants to do more, too.

     Freelance work is great, but it’s not the same as making your own ideas and stories come to life. It’s not your vision and creation. And after having my films not be selected to be shown in festivals, I was scared that no one, aside from my mom, wanted to see my creations. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe my calling wasn’t to be a filmmaker. Then, in September I received the most amazing news. My short film, Foul Ball, had been selected to be shown at the 2017 Indie Memphis Film Festival! I was ecstatic. Someone I didn’t even know had seen my film and thought, “This is good. More people should get to see this.” I know you shouldn’t take criticism and rejections, or even selections, too seriously, or let the opinions of others define you. But when it comes to art, whether it be a painting, a book, or a film, how do you know if you’re on the “right” track if no one sees it? It’s hard to be a filmmaker in a vacuum. Films are made to be seen by people, and someone (outside of my immediate family) thought that one of my films was good enough to be seen by people. I couldn’t believe it! Sometimes, I still can’t believe it.

     It is an amazing feeling watching your hard work shown up on the big screen. It was even more amazing having my family there to see it with me. Of course, once it’s finally your film’s turn to be shown, fear comes in again. “What if no one reacts the way I want them to? What if they just sit there in silence?” Thankfully, I worried for nothing. My father proudly pointed out that my film was one of the only ones that elicited a noticeable and audible reaction from the audience. People laughed! Audience members audibly laughed at my film! After all the short films were shown, the filmmakers in attendance were asked to come down, introduce ourselves, and quickly speak about our films. My father again proudly pointed out later, that when it was my turn, I again received a positive reaction from the audience for my film. It was an uplifting experience. To go from wondering what in the world am I even doing with my life, to having such a positive reaction from the audience at the festival where my short film premiered within the same year is nothing short of a blessing.

     Later, my mother and brother pointed out a very interesting fact to me: I was the only female director standing at the front after all the films were shown. I was the only minority director in attendance for my film's showcase. That made me stop and think. How can that be possible? The showcase I was in was titled "Hometowner Rising Filmmakers," and this was Memphis, Tennessee. Now, one of the filmmakers who couldn’t be there due to illness was a young African American man, so a friend was there to represent him. But other than that filmmaker’s friend and myself, the rest of the filmmakers were young white men. There were almost a dozen films in the showcase. This is supposed to be rising filmmakers from Memphis, Tennessee and the only minority filmmakers there are one white female and one African American man? How can that be? It really struck me then how rare it still is to see a woman director. It’s 2017, and there still aren’t that many well-known and successful minority directors in the film industry.

     I have a lot of big dreams, but even being an award winning film director seems a bit too big of a dream for me at times. But when my mother and brother brought to my attention that I was the only woman standing up there, that really struck a nerve. I’ve pretty much always been the kid that when she is told that she can’t do something, goes and does it to prove you wrong. Being told I was the only female director up there really made me want to keep directing. I want to be someone others can look up to. I know that sounds a bit arrogant. The world needs positive role models, and if I can be one, if I can inspire someone in the future to follow her dreams because I did it, then I would consider my career to be worth something.

     This post has turned in to way more than I was expecting it to be. I initially just wanted to document that I had my first film that was written, directed, and edited by myself shown at a festival. In my head, I even like to tell myself that it opened the same weekend as Thor: Ragnarok, and it was shown in a theater that was also showing the latest Marvel film. But in reality, my journey in filmmaking this year has been rather complicated. I have to constantly remind myself that this is a journey. No one gets their dream career overnight. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication. And even then, it isn’t easy. So yes, this is a journey, not a race, and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself all of the time. All the same, I hope 2018 brings me further along on my lifelong filmmaking journey.

     Happy New Year, everyone!